Below are the most recent 19 friends' journal entries.

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
pirategrrl	8:07p	Slightly less smug: a small venting So, just FYI, for those who were considering taking my premature recommendation about the Best Buy order online with in store pick up: I did this with three stores, and Best Buy has sucked the most.  Both Sears and BevMo had my shit ready for me to come in and pick it up and it was totally fast and simple.  Best Buy, not so much.  The parking lot was kind of a nightmare.  Not really their fault, as it's the week of Christmas.  I should have expected that, and it's my bad for waiting until the last minute.  But when I finally got into the store, I found the counter with the sign that said "Online order pick up" or something like that, and went and stood in front of it, even though there was no one behind the counter.  Then someone told me to go stand in the customer service line.  So I did.  Then someone else told me to go stand at the online pick up counter, where I was before.  Grrrr. Then, they didn't have one of the two things I was supposed to pick up there.  But the sales person didn't really explain what was going on with it.  She said it hadn't been pulled yet.  So I asked "So does that mean you don't have it?" and she said "I don't know, it just says it hasn't been pulled yet."  and I said "Okay, well should I wait or come back later or what?" and she said "you'll be notified when it's pulled or if we don't have it."  Grrr.  Call me a luddite, but I don't have email on my phone, so if this notification is via email, that means I won't get it until I go back to Hayward. Then when I got home, I got an email saying that the item wasn't available at that store.  Which, okay, I understand, it's a few days before christmas, it's probably hard to keep up-to-the-minute inventory control going.  But the email said I could call them and transfer the order to another store, or cancel it.  I have been on hold for about 40 minutes.  Luckily, they don't charge you for it until you pick it up.  Their website says they have it at their Emeryville store, so I just need to transfer it there. So anyway, none of this is a huge crisis, and I am reasonably understanding, as it's christmas and retail and shit just gets fucked this time of year.  But I just wanted to share that the system is not flawless. Also, as a side note, if anyone is still looking for a gift for me (yes, blatant, I know, I'm shameless) tickets to see Richard Thompson when he comes to the Great American Music Hall in February are available. (Comment on this)
pirategrrl	12:34p	Smug about my tech savvy I am feeling all smug because I ordered all my christmas gifts online, and now I am about to go pick them up in the stores.  I have to go to Dublin/Pleasanton to pick a couple things up, but I don't have to wander around in stores with the masses.  For the record, Best Buy, Sears, and BevMo have online ordering with in-store pick up.  Admittedly, my shopping list is not that long, because I don't buy gifts for my entire extended family.  I usually am limited by budget to my immediate family and a few close friends.  So it's not like my holiday shopping is an extensive project.  But it's usually 7-10 items, and of course I try to thoughtfully select each one. I have to make several stops in the Dublin-Pleasanton area, and I am jazzed about using the GPS thingy I have on loan from applez .  I haven't really had any need to use it lately, but it will be neat to just put in the addresses and let it tell me where to go, rather than plotting out directions in advance. I am feeling better today.  I didn't sleep well last night, and woke up a couple times, so I am tired, and will probably take a nap later.  But taking Mucinex seems to help, and while I am still congested and my inner ears itch and feel clogged, I am not actively wishing I was dead.  So today is much better than yesterday.  Maybe I will not be sick on Christmas.  That would be nice. (Comment on this)
pirategrrl	1:19a	Retrospecting on 2009 WARNING: THIS IS REALLY LONG. At the beginning of this year, I wrote this post, http://pirategrrl.livejournal.com/623756, outlining some things I wanted to work on in 2009.  It's interesting to re-read it now and see where I was a year ago, and how many of the things I wanted to do got done. ( Read more... ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 21st, 2009
pirategrrl	10:46a	In which I am a big whiny baby Okay.  So I think I just have a cold and I am not actually going to die. But dude, I feel like shit. I feel much worse than I did yesterday or saturday. I went to Dickens Faire yesterday.  This was perhaps unwise, because it was a total fucking zoo.  So much more crowded than previous weekends.  The upside of that is that I made a lot of money in tips, but the downside was that it was extremely hectic.  There were points where there was a line of people on the other side of the bar, and I would have to either go straight from one order to another without a moment to catch my breath, or I would have to multi-task and serve multiple people at a time.  Anyway, it was the kind of thing that's pretty tiring normally, and I was trying to do it while I was sick.  I only worked for three hours, but I was at the Cow Palace, cesspool of diseases and allergins, for probably 8 hours.  Most of that time I spent hiding backstage.  The streets of London were just too crowded, and I was conserving my energy for working.  After my shift was over, I took the money and ran.  I went directly backstage and changed out of my costume, packed up and left.  I knew I was missing all the last-night blow out shenanigans, and that all my friends were having fun without me, but I didn't care.  I knew that if I didn't get the hell out of there a meltdown would ensue, which would not be pretty.  I was just done. I stopped on the way home to get some food and nyquil.  I ate dinner, posted to facebook, took the nyquil and passed out by 10pm.  I woke up around 10am this, feeling wretched.  It feels like every part of my head and lungs is full of phlegm.  My eyes are irritated and watery, my nose is stuffed up and runny, my inner ears are itchy and feel clogged, I am occasionally sneezing, and coughing, both of which produce yellowish phlegm. My lungs feel like they have phlegm in them too, which occasionally makes me cough, which hurts.  I also feel groggy and sleepy, which is probably from the nyquil, but could just be fatigue from the cold. And I ran out of kleenex last night. So, the homeopathic medicine has not magically cured me, although I also didn't take it regularly yesterday.  I did take a claratin, but it's hard to say if it helped.  I didn't feel this shitty yesterday, so maybe it was helping to keep the symptoms at bay.  I might have to go back to the doctor... AGAIN.  Goddamn it. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
pirategrrl	5:46p	Field Trip So I undertook another expedition to the San Ramon Whole Foods Market this afternoon.  One of the things Hayward is lacking is a WFM.  This is probably good, as it prevents me from conveniently spending too much money there, as it is a notoriously expensive place to shop.  But, it's a good place to find things you can't get at other, more conventional stores, so it's worth an occasional visit Although you can get to San Ramon from Hayward pretty quickly via freeways (580 to 680, I think)  I prefer to get there via Crow Canyon Road, or Norris Canyon Road.  It's a scenic drive through nice scenery, and it only takes about 20 minutes or so. My main motivation for this expedition was to get some homeopathic hippy medicines.  They have a lot to choose from there, and I spent a long time standing in the aisle, fending off the (very nice) team members, and reading labels on bottles and boxes of remedies.  There were a lot of factors to consider, including price, number of doses for the price, and which symptoms they claimed to treat.  The last one was confusing, because there were medications for "flu" that treated fever and fatigue and aches and such, and different ones for "colds" which treated the runny nose, congestion and sore throat.  Since I have had many of the symptoms from both of these categories, I didn't know which to get.  In the end I opted for the cold medicine, on the grounds that I didn't feel feverish at that moment, and the cold symptoms where currently more troublesome than the flu ones. What I got was a product called "coldcalm" made by Boiron, makers of that oscilloccinum stuff. I probably spelled that wrong, but it's fairly well-known homeopathic medicine, that I had heard was good.  The box says you are supposed to take it at the first sign of illness, which obviously I couldn't do.  I am supposed to let two tablets disolve under my tongue every 15 minutes for two hours, and then take another dose every hour until symptoms are relieved.  I had to write down to dosage schedules, and am using my cell phone's alarm clock to help me remember to take them.  This would be a pain if I were planning on doing anything besides resting at home, but since that's the plan, I don't mind.  The tablets are small and chalky, but they are faintly sweet, so I don't mind letting them hang out under my tongue and disolve. I also got a product called "Get Well Soon" made by Rainbow Light.  "Rainbow Light" is such a hippy-sounding name.  But it was reasonably priced, and includes a lot of good stuff I have read is benificial. The blurb on the bottle says: "Mobilize the body's Acute Response with immune-bolstering herbs including garlic, echinacea and coptis, and nutrients such as zinc, selenium and high-potency vitamins A, C, and E.  Support Natural Recovery with herbs for soothing throats (forsythia) promoting sinus and lung health (platycodon and licorice) cooling heat (chrysanthemum) providing calming relief for occasional aches (Chinese lovage) and cleansing toxins through perspiration (elder, yarrow and ginger.)  Not bad for around $15 a bottle.  The dosage on these is three times a day, from 1-3 tablets.  When I opened the bottle I was a little dismayed to find pretty large pills.  I can swollow large pills, but sometimes it's hard, and I have to try a couple times before I am able to get them down.  But I took three of them, and will take some more tomorrow. I have no idea if any of this stuff will work, and even if I start feeling better, unless it's dramatic and sudden improvement, it will be hard to prove these meds are what did it.  But I figure, it can't hurt.  And it makes me feel like I am proactively engaged in doing something to speed the process, rather than just passively waiting for it to happen.  It's frustrating when there's nothing to do but wait. (Comment on this)
pirategrrl	10:20a	Sickness report. Again. Okay, I realize that the health play-by-play posts when I'm sick might get a little tiresome.  Thank you for your indulgence, dear readers, as it makes me feel better to describe what's going on, so I don't feel like I am suffering alone. So far this morning, there seems to be an improvement.  I don't have a fever.  The sore throat is less sore, although still kind of sore, but the cold symptoms have increased.  I have been visited again by my old friend, yellow snot.  Yellow snot was my companion for weeks this Fall when I was sick before.  I am hoping it's visit will be short this time around.   I have coughed it up, and blown it out of my nose. But, all things considered, I am feeling better this morning than I did last night.  I don't feel the complete exhaustion of being feverish, and I guess the snot is preferable to the sore throat, because it's uncomfortable and annoying but not painful, and more treatable with TOC cold medicines. I am still glad I didn't go to Dickens Faire today though.  I feel like just looking at someone else might get them sick. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 18th, 2009
pirategrrl	11:23p	And just FYI, I finally found my thermometer, and took my temperature. I have a fever of 100.3.  Not huge, but it's strangely gratifying to prove that my feeling that I was feverish was correct.  Especially when that doctor today was all dismissive, like I wasn't really sick.  Oddly the sore throat seems to be abating, but I am still overwhelmingly tired and feel weak and feverish, and a little headachey.  Maybe that's a good sign though- maybe my immune system will be able to boot this virus out the door tonight and I will feel better tomorrow.  Unfortunately, the feverish feeling is making it hard for me to fall asleep, so I have been just laying around watching a movie.  The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.  Gawd, I love the utter weirdness and imagination of that movie.  It's a little bit trippy to watch it while high and glassy eyed on a fever.  Good times. I am still skipping Dickens Faire tomorrow, partially because I fear spreading whatever I have around.  Although since I probably got it there, it's only fair that I borrow it for a week and then bring it back so someone else can have a turn, right? (Comment on this)
pirategrrl	4:03p	More swearing. Sorry. So, that fucking sucked. I woke up this morning with a sore, swollen throat, worse that yesterday.  I also have developed a runny nose/coughing up phlegm thing that wasn't there yesterday. It was so swollen this morning that swollening pills seemed hard.  So I says to myself, okay, I'll go see a doctor, since this is getting worse, not better. So I call around, trying to get an appointment for today.  The Planned Parenthood medical office doesn't have any appointments until December 30th.  Uh, yeahno.  That's not gonna work for me.  My optimistic hope was that I could go see a doctor today, they could give me some drugs that could have me back at Dickens by Sunday.  I emailed in sick for Dickens tomorrow.  Although missing the last Saturday night of Dickens Faire?  That's fucking bullshit my friends.  Fucking bullshit. So I called the Bay Valley Medical Group urgent care place.  I had been there before, when I was sick a couple months ago, and saw a doctor I didn't like because she was dismissive and made me feel like a big hypochrondriac baby.  But, whatever, they could see me at three this afternoon.  I'd just deal with the dismissive doctor. So I went over there, and checked in and waited.  The nurse called me back and weighed me (I am 4 pounds heavier) and took my temperature and my blood pressure.  Temp. was 99.8, blood pressure was normal.  In a few minutes the doctor came in.  She asked me some questions, and I tried to answer them.  She looked at my throat. She told me I have a virus, and there was nothing she could do, I just have to wait for it to go away.  She prescribed me Claratin and a nasal spray, and told me to drink lots of fluids and rest.  She also, after looking at my throat, said "It's not that bad."  If there is one thing someone in pain does not want to hear, it's "It's not that bad." Wow, I sure am glad I spent $40 and drove over there for that. And you know, I hate to second-guess a doctor, because she's been to medical school and I haven't, but... how does she know I don't have strep throat or something?  Was what I told her enough information for her to rule out a bacterial infection?  It doesn't feel to me like I have a cold or something of that nature, it's very specifically a sore throat, and the sore throat started before the cold symptoms by several days.  But then, what do I know?  I guess I will just take the claritin (which I already have and didn't need a prescription for) and wait and see if I get better.  And if I don't, then maybe I will go to another doctor... as unappealing as that sounds. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
pirategrrl	1:19a	Warning: there will be swearing So, I have started doing this this lately in my blog, where I sugar-coat things a bit. You see, I have this complex, in which I think if I am too much of a downer, no one will like me anymore.  Or if I am honest about negative feelings it will seem like whining and complaining, and people will think I'm a big baby. But you know what?  Fuck that.  Shit is sucking right now.  It has become undeniable that I am in fact sick again. It went from a tiny bit of a sore throat on Tuesday, to kind of a sore throat yesterday, to definitely a sore throat today.  That whole waiting for it to magically go away on it's own thing I like to do hasn't been working.  So I am facing the fact that I need to go to a doctor.  AGAIN.  Have I mentioned lately how much I have grown to hate going to doctor's offices?  I don't even know which one I can go to tomorrow.  That Planned Parenthood where I was going kind of sucks, and they might not be able to see me tomorrow.  The Urgent Care Clinic also kind of sucks, but I can probably get an appointment there. This is all just really depressing and frustrating.  I just feel like I have been in this hole of mental and physical ailment since August.  And I have been trying valiantly to climb out of it.  But it feels like I am not getting anywhere. I am kind of back in the same spot I was in two months ago: sick and depressed.  I think if I had been a sickly kid, or was used to getting sick a lot, this would be easier for me to deal with.  But I have always been pretty healthy.  So this prolonged and repeated period of illness is fucking my shit up. I know I am probably over-reacting.  I will probably be able to see a doctor tomorrow, who will probably give me another round of antibiotics, and I will feel better in a few days.  It's not the end of the world. And thinking negatively about it just makes it worse.  I just needed to vent a little bit, because damn, the second half of 2009 can totally eat a big bowl of dicks, as far as I am concerned. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 17th, 2009
katiiis	2:30p	I'm gonna live forever, light up the sky like a flame! Well, according to studies the risk of dying has dropped to a record low level... http://healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=634143 I'm seriously amused.I get that its about life expectancy but wording people- use some. Current Music: Fame- Forever Young- Live Fast Die Pretty (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
pirategrrl	11:18p	OMG. I feel like I'm getting sick again. This blows. I am trying not to over-react, because I am just starting to feel the faintest tinges of crappy. I have had a sore throat today. Particularly on the right side. It's got this sort of sore, swollen feeling, and it has also been making the insides of my ears itch. I am not sure what's up with that. So far I have only taken some emergen-C as a precautionary measure. I am kind of in denial and haven't done anything else, because doing so would be admitting that I am getting sick again, which I am unwilling to do. Tomorrow if I am still feeling sickish, I will get some matzoh ball soup. Stupid Dickens Faire is a festering cesspool of disease. Who knows which of those 50 people I hug on a daily basis there might have infected me? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
pirategrrl	1:16p	Dharma keeps me sane again So last night, my mom posted the following as a status update on facebook: "Just bought some small gifts for my friends two little girls and thought wistfully of how I'd like to have some grandchildren to spoil.....and how unlikely that seems now. sigh...." And then I got really butt-hurt and had a small meltdown. I have written a lot and erased it, trying to sort out how I feel about this sort of thing. But I think what it comes down to is that for me, the only path to sanity when dealing with this sort of thing is to resist my mind's tendency to add a good/bad judgment to everything. I do not have any children yet. This is neither good nor bad, it's just what is. It's just reality. It's not a condemnation of my character or a measurement of my worth as a person. It's just a statement of fact, like saying I have blue eyes. It only seems hurtful or negative when I start to add layers of expectation and made-up meaning to it. When someone I care about seems to feel bad, I feel compelled to do something to "fix the problem" so they feel better. In many cases, there's nothing I can do, which makes me feel frustrated and like I am failing them. In this example, my mom seems to feel sad because she doesn't have any grandkids yet, and seems to think it's unlikely that she will ever have any. My first impulse is that I should have a baby so my mom won't feel sad. Then I remember the small details, like the need for a fertile male partner, an income to support the offspring, etc. and realize that I am not currently prepared or equipped to solve this particular problem. Then I begin to blame myself for lacking the preparation and equipment needed to solve the problem and make my mom* happy. Somehow, I always find a way to make these things my fault. Everything is, in fact, my fault. I am still working on abandoning the too-pervasive idea of "my fault." I still blame myself for things that categorically Not My Fault. I am sorry that my mom* is so attached to the expectation of having grandchildren, and sorry that this fantasy falls on the shoulders of my brother and I, as neither of us can fulfill this particular fantasy any time soon. This particular expectation is her deal, and I shouldn't adopt and internalize the dichotomy of children=good/no children=bad, and then beat myself up for being "bad" and "making mom* sad." My uterus is not the only source of solutions. If she loves babies so much, there are probably ICUs and orphanages who would let her come in and hold their babies. And she may not have any grandchildren to spoil yet, but she does still have two delightful children of her own to spoil. *I am using my mom as the subject here, but I really mean all the relatives who have ever asked me about it, including my grandma Carol, who has repeatedly questioned me about when I am having a baby. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
katiiis	2:44p	belt woes I still need a new leather belt, classic basic, able to swap out buckles, longer than my waist- cause I still have that desire- and good quality leather- anyone know any leatherworkers? I tried faire this past weekend. the Oberon belts are not as thick as they used to be...and not as long as I want one. I like a belt with an extra 4-8 inches for wrapping or dangling- yes I know its odd- but I want that in a belt... sigh. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
pirategrrl	10:13a	Oddly, I haven't really felt much like blogging lately. I realize it's inherently contradictory to blog about how I don't feel like blogging. Here's all I have to say at the moment: This weekend, someone gave me a gold foil wrapped chocolate coin as a tip at Dickens Faire. Somehow, said gold foil wrapped chocolate coin ended up in my bed last night. It might have fallen out of a pocket or something. I inadvertently slept on it and melted it. When I woke up this morning and saw it, it looked like I had pooped in my bed a little bit during the night. But it was really just chocolate. But I still have to change the sheets. That's it. That's all I got. One juvenile chocolate-as-poo story. I will try to come up with some more worthy content soon. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 14th, 2009
katiiis	10:14a	dicken's let down So R and I went to Dicken's yesterday and I was sort of disappointed. I couldn't find some people and some stuff I was hoping to see. Maybe my bloodsugar was low. Maybe in comparison to the wonderful time I had Friday night with some friends decorating the tree- or Saturday with my sister-in-law or Saturday night at the union party or with friends later or whatever it just sort of fell flat. I dunno why. Ah well. In contrast- Rob- who usually comes along to humour me and see people- had a fabulous time and is planning on working it next Sunday- Which seems totally bizarre to me since he didn't do workshops or anything and isn't really up on the costume thing and there are other things- plus he constantly says how glad he is that he doesn't do faire anymore- but now- he's thinking- YEAH I'm gonna work a day of Dickens. He was excited about it last night and kept talking to me about it and I finally had to kick him out of the bedroom and tell him to shut up about it so I could go to sleep since it was late and I had to work today and he was too enthusiastic. It's very strange. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
pirategrrl	3:41p	Writer's Block: Role model Is there any character from a novel or film that serves as a role model to you? What kind of advice do you think she or he would give you regarding any major issues you're facing right now? Submitted By masakali View 675 Answers There are many, but oddly, I consider the character Maude from the movie Harold and Maude sort of a role model. She was just so completely batty, but she seemed so happy. She didn't give a crap about what someone her age was "supposed" to be doing, and flagrantly broke rules and lived and died on her own terms. She had a sense of humor and did things because they were fun. She embraced life and death at the same time. She lived alone, but was not a hermit and had a big heart. I think she'd tell me to lighten up and not worry so much and to stop being so hard on myself. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
pirategrrl	12:12p	Either an epiphanie or a big "duh!" moment So, I have sort of had this idea kicking around in my brain lately. I hadn't really told anyone about it, because it wasn't really fully formed in a way I could confidently articulate. It's still not, really. So you will have to suffer through my long-winded story, which hopefully won't be too painful. I just responded to an email from my aunt in which I talked about this idea, so I decided that it's about ready to make it's debut. And now that I've built it up so much it's going to seem insignificant, but there you go. What if, instead of trying to limit myself to one thing, one path, one career, one direction, I just accept that I have always been interested in about 20 different things, and just try to do them all? As I wrote to my aunt, there's no law that says I can't do freelance writing on Monday, teach a class on Tuesday, counsel people on Wednesday and sew costumes on Thursday. And take Friday off. This might seem like a relatively basic idea, but I put it in the category of epiphany because it questions basic assumptions I have held since, oh... High School. I have gone through this continuous process of picking a path and then changing my mind and picking something else, over and over, because I could never determine what my one favorite thing was. Looking over my transcripts, I think I have had something like 8 different majors in college, because every time I started at a new school and they asked me what I wanted to major in, I always picked whatever I was most interested in at the time, which, of course, changed every few years, if not months. Which didn't mean I was no longer interested in the previous things, just that something else had edged into first place that month. I know that for practical purposes, I will still need to pick only a couple of things to study in school. I probably only get one major and one minor. But there are other places to learn stuff, stuff that might someday contribute to my total overall income. An income that doesn't necessarily have to come from one source. Not that the point of learning stuff is to make money from it, although that can certainly be a useful off-shoot of some learning projects. Maybe next summer I will take another break from CSUEB classes and learn something else. Maybe I'll take a yoga teacher training. Or go to a craft school and take a class in some weird craft like basket weaving or something. And I have always wanted to learn how to cut hair. And arrange flowers. And weld. The possibilities are endless, and it's impossible to know how to do too much. I have found that I am happiest and most productive when I am involved in at least one project and have a lot to do. Of course, there is also the danger of overwhelming myself and getting stressed and taking on too much. But after 15 years of trying to narrow my focus down to one thing that would be my "career" maybe it's time to recognize that that approach is not going to work, and try something else. Or everything else, as the case may be. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
katiiis	1:30p	Love the interweb It's a gift and a curse. It's a gift when I find a book I looked for 18 years ago at a reasonable price online and was unable to find when I looked for it before- Oh that's wonderful. And when I find a 5 volume set that has been in and out of print for over a century- also in print- inexpensive (less than the $500 they would have been if I had been able to find them 20 years ago and roughly $50 for all 5) - awesome! And then when I have to come on here an blog about it- its a curse..well, hell- not much I can do other than gush. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
pirategrrl	12:09p	So far, today is better than yesterday. I had a sort of weird experience this morning, but like, weird-good. I partially woke up at around 8am, but I was able to stay in that sort of half-asleep, half-awake state for a while. This is highly unusual for me these days, as usually once I am awake my brain clicks on and starts racing away, and then I can't go back to sleep, even if I am very tired and wasn't asleep for very long. But this morning I woke up and just lay in bed, totally relaxed. There was bright sunlight coming in through the blinds, and it was completely quiet. I just lay there enjoying the silence. Maybe I'm weird, but there is something so calming about being alone in a very quiet place. This is one of the reasons I have resisted living in San Francisco for so long- I have never been in any home there where it was quiet like this. I've always wanted to live in the mountains because I love quiet so much. So I was able to sort of float in this pleasant, quiet cloud for a little while, and then I actually was able to go back to sleep. This almost never happens. Not sure what changed that is enabling me to let go and relax more than usual, but it's kind of nice. I was feeling depressed yesterday, and I think it's because I was again falling into the old mental trap of wanting things to be different than they are. Because of my current situation, I feel like I am not doing anything with my life, which negatively impacts my self esteem and self-worth. I get hooked into this story about how I am 32, and I "should" have more of the trappings of adulthood, and the fact that I don't is clearly due to my personality flaws. I lecture myself about how I need to stop being so lazy and make something of myself, etc. ( Read more... ) (Comment on this)